I admit it. I might be one of those sports parents, even though I try very hard not to be. I don’t ask our daughters to relive my past sports glories (um, mostly because I don’t have any) or have delusions of grandeur on college scholarships. I just enjoy watching them compete, and we spend a lot of time and conversation on their athletic endeavors.
So it was recently, when my eighth-grader moped off the field following a soccer scrimmage. As she settled into the backseat for the ride home, she laid into herself for how badly she’d played. I was no Messi when I was their age, but having seen my kids play hundreds of soccer games at this point, I probably know enough about the game to be dangerous. And I had no idea what she was talking about. I honestly thought she’d played great.
Yes, I became that dad yelling at his kid after a sporting event. But I was yelling at her because she was being too hard on herself. I thought she’d played far better than she was giving herself credit for, and I didn’t want one of the primary gauges for her self-evaluation – negatively comparing her performance to those of certain teammates – to carry the weight she was giving it.
As my wife and I talked about it later, we chalked some of it up to the moodiness of 14-year-olds, but it also underscores a constant effort we focus on as parents: Boosting the confidence of our kids without taking it too far. How do we make them feel good about themselves but not feel like they’re better than everyone else?
It seems like one of our primary parenting roles, and mission critical as we help our kids to make the right decisions. I volunteer with the Cranford Municipal Alliance, and of course we talk a ton about the social pressures that can lead to unhealthy decisions around alcohol and other substances. Research shows that depressed kids are more likely to have problems with alcohol as they get older.
And It doesn’t take research studies for us to know how upset kids can get when they feel like they’re not measuring up – not equaling their peers or meeting the bar they’ve set for themselves. My daughter’s soccer game illustrated that in microcosm.
This is particularly hard for parents today, when our kids carry around constant windows into everybody else’s world. As soon as they unlock their phones they can see who’s doing what, who’s wearing what, who’s dating what, who’s winning what… It can be a constant litmus test for teen success.
I’m no expert, and I’m not a perfect parent. But I wanted to share how we’re trying to help our kids have the right perspective on what it means to love themselves. After all, it’s Valentine’s month, and at their age it might be the love that’s most important. Here are three ways we try to achieve it.
Sweat the Small Stuff
Admittedly, with kids, even the slightest break in the pattern can feel like a federal shutdown. The issues can all start to run together. Ihavetoomuchhomeworkmyfriendsareannoyingmeidontwanttoeatthatmykneehurtsidontthinkhelikesme.
And it can be hard to give it too much share of mind. But I think we are smart to try, because if we can’t talk about the small stuff, how are they going to feel about coming us when they need to talk about the big stuff? Not every complaint is a request for help. It might just be whining. But we try to listen well enough to know which is which.
We try to ask the right questions of our daughters, who are 14 and 9, and do our best to listen to the answers - no matter how mundane the topic might seem in our complex grown-up lives. We’re trying our best to create an open dynamic where there’s nothing they feel like they need to hide.
What we feel good about: A few years ago, we set a modest goal of having dinner as a family one weeknight every week. We’ve done pretty well keeping that. Research shows kids who eat regularly with their parents are less likely to engage in risky behaviors. But beyond that, it’s a great opportunity to get beyond ‘How was your day?’
What we could do better: Put our phones down. Like every teenager, my daughter spends a lot of time on her phone. It’s easy to be critical of that, but I come through the door from work a lot and want to see what came in while I was driving home. I need to be better about tuning in from the moment I walk through the door.
Emphasize Kindness
This one risks being too touchy feely or a captain obvious statement. Shouldn’t being a nice kid just be par for the course? Maybe, but being kind is worthy of reinforcement, especially at a time when it seems so commonplace to castigate anyone who crosses you or disagrees with your point of view.
It also has seemed to boost the self-esteem for my girls. One reason I think they’re generally happy is because they’ve realized how good it feels to be good to others. Plus, I’ve always felt like it takes a lot more energy to be negative.
What we feel good about: I’m fortunate to be able to drive my fourth-grader and a pair of her friends to school every day, and the last thing she always hears me say before scampering into school is, ‘Be kind.’ She probably rolls her eyes at the repetitiveness of it as soon as my back is turned, but I’m glad she hears it anyway.
What we could do better: It’s easy to smile through relationships with those you genuinely like. But what happens when someone gets under your skin? We can be better guides for the challenging interactions our kids - and all kids - routinely have, lest the girls become a little closed off to anyone where they don’t have a tight bond.
Know Their Phones
A bunch of Cranford parents packed into the high school library earlier this month for a powerful presentation hosted by the Cranford Police on kids and cell phone use. Remember the ‘This is your brain on drugs’ ad with the fried egg? Yeah - imagine that but with the punchline being ‘This is your brain on iPhone.’
I’m exaggerating - but not by a lot. Experts and community leaders, led by Union County substance use navigators Sean Foley, Lisa Federico and Pamela Boccia, shared eye-opening insights, research and ideas related to the influence and effects of cell phone use on teens.
The pressures we all faced - primarily FOMO (fear of missing out) - are amplified by the fact that everything kids do is captured and shared. No drama goes undocumented, no party goes un-Insta’ed. It’s a source of constant comparison, and It can be a source of a trouble.
One stat from the government showed that from 2010 (the start of the smartphone revolution) to 2016, there was a 60% increase in young adults experiencing a depressive episode. Teens who spend five or more hours a day on screens are 71% more likely to have risk factors such as substance abuse or even suicide. And when you consider that teens spend an average of nune hours a day online, it’s worrisome to say the least.
There’s no easy answer for this. Taking the phone away and shutting it all down will make it only worse. Which is why I can only refer back to the first point above, on sweating the small stuff. We try to know what’s going on inside our kids’ digital universe, through asking and checking and talking with parents of their friends, so we can help to navigate that universe as well as anyone can.
What we feel good about: For our older daughter, her phone rarely goes upstairs, it only charges in a common space of the house, and if she doesn’t give us the passcode to unlock it, we keep it.
What we could do better: Monitor the digital behavior of our younger daughter. We all know we’re more lax with second kids. But the social media and app world has changed a lot since our older daughter was in fourth grade. So our diligence needs to be higher, not lower.
We all want our kids to feel good about themselves – to be proud of the decisions they make and the accomplishments they earn. But to channel that self-esteem in a way that’s respectful and empathetic to their peers. That’s the confidence line. Finding it easier said than done. And they’re not likely to see it on their own.